A Meeting of the Mind: A short story

I had reserved conference room 2A for just fifteen minutes. Once might think that a meeting of such great import would require at least an hour. Not this time.

The first of them walked in. He looked about, his demeanor more cautious than curious. We abruptly locked eyes and he just as quickly looked away. He looked up again, rather tentatively, so I nodded him over. He scurried over to the table and sat opposite of me.

Then the next one entered. He swept his gaze across us and took in the room. He eased into a chair and proceeded to narrow his eyes at me.

“This better not be a waste of my time,” he said, making no effort to hide the invectine in his tone.

“Calm down,” I said. “Short and to the point, today.”

“Better be,” he said under his breath.

“I just have a bad feeling about this,” Anxiety said from across the table.

Anger scowled at him. “Quit whining.”

Anxiety gulped. “Are you mad at me?”

Anger slapped his palms on the table and stood. He turned to Anxiety. “Come over here and find--”

“Enough!” I said. “Anger, sit down.”

Anger glanced down at me, his eyes narrowed.

“Sit. Down.”

Anger slowly sat. I looked at Anxiety. A slight smile crossed his face. He looked smug in his tiny victory. Too bad that smile wouldn’t last. Just then, Perfection strode in, resplendent in his perfectly pressed Armani and artfully coiffed hair.

Perfection nodded to all as he gracefully took his seat. “Gentlemen,” he said with a curt nod.

Optimism and Pessimism followed closely on his heels. I waited a moment as they all settled in, then cleared my throat.

“Okay, let’s get started,” I said, scanning the room.

Optimism grinned my way. “Looking forward to hearing what you have to say, boss.”

My only reply to him was a raised eyebrow.

“No agenda?” Perfection said. “Shouldn’t we have a written agenda?”

“No agenda,” I replied. “Not today.”

“Oookay, then.” Pessimism leaned back in his chair. “This meeting is going to go off the rails in two minutes flat.”

“No, it won’t,” I said.

Pessimism scoffed.

“Because you guys are just going to shut up and listen,” I continued.

That got their attention.

“Okay.” I steepled my fingers and looked around the table. “It’s no secret that we’re struggling right now.”

Pessimism bowed his head. Anxiety gripped the arms of his chair, as if he was preparing to hurtle down a roller coaster track.

“We’re poised for a huge comeback, though!” said Optimism. He looked from face to face. “Right guys?”

Pessimism rolled his eyes. Anger stared daggers at Optimism.

I sighed. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

Pessimism nodded knowingly.

“We’re not working well together,” I said. “So I’m going to make some changes.”

“It’s about time,” Perfection said. He folded his arms across his double-breasted lapels.

I leaned forward. “Oh… when might have been a better time? Yesterday? Last week? A year ago? Do tell.”

Perfection shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“I’m doing this now,” I continued. “And at least I’m doing it. I don’t really care that this doesn’t meet your ‘optimal timeline’. Got it?”

“Got it,” Perfection said quietly.

“So I guess I’ll start with you, then.”

The look on Perfection’s face could only be described as aghast. “Me?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your job supposed to be to keep me on track?”

Perfection shrugged.

“Yet you just want to punish me every time I make a mistake. You get together with anxiety over there and freak out whenever I’m about to try something new. You know, the usual refrain of ‘don’t even bother to try because this will suck and everyone will know you’re a fraud’. Sound familiar?”

“It’s not that bad,” Perfection mumbled.

“It’s exactly that bad. Also, I don’t need for you to berate me when I have an off day or when I struggle. All I need from you is a reminder that I can, in fact, do better. I can’t have you making me afraid to even try. Stop punishing me because I’m not who you think I should be. Just help me remember who I can be.”

“Without me pushing you along, you’ll fail,” Perfection said. “That’s all there is to it.”

“You do understand that I’m human, right? By my very nature, I am flawed. I struggle. I will never be perfect. So why punish me because I’m not? By all means, push me. Like I said, just help me remember who I am.”

“Okay, but what if--”

I cut him off. “No. This is non-negotiable.” I paused to let that sink in. “I’m in charge here, not you.”

I turned to Anxiety. His eyes widened just a bit as I met his gaze.

“You just need to cool it,” I said. “It’s not the end of the world if I forget to pay a bill and it’s a day--”

“But then you’ll get a late fee,” he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth. “And-- and-- and that means you’re going to run out of money, and--”

I held up a hand. “Stop.”

“And then--”

“Stop.”

“--you’re going to--”

“I said stop.”

Anxiety was quiet for a moment. Then, finally: “Okay.”

“Your job is to protect me from genuine threats. It’s not to freak out over every little thing. About the only thing you’re protecting me from is living my life. And that’s got to stop. You need to dial it down… a lot.”

“Okay.”

“Are we clear?”

“Yes.”

I shifted my gaze to the other side of the table.

“Okay… Optimism and Pessimism. Two sides of the same coin, right?”

They turned and looked at one another.

“Yeah,” Pessimism said.

“I guess,” Optimism said with a shrug.

“Optimism… I love your enthusiasm. I really do.”

Optimism grinned. “Thanks.”

“But do you think maybe sometimes you get carried away?”

“I just get all excited about stuff. I can’t help it.”

“Sometimes even rose-colored glasses have thorns.”

“That’s a mixed metaphor,” Perfection said.

I shot him a withering gaze then turned my attention back to Optimism.

“You forget that even the greatest opportunity will probably be a challenge. You forget that maybe things won’t go according to plan, or that I might struggle. It’s easy to get caught up in your enthusiasm, and I need that from time-to-time, but not so much that I want to sit back and just wait for success and happiness to roll on in. Pessimism… you need to cool it, too. Doom is not approaching just because life is not 100% going according to plan. You’re supposed to be my early warning system, not a chain around my ankle, trying to drag me down.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

“That’s what’s happening, though.”

“So I’m out?” He stared down at the table. “You’re firing me?” He looked up. “Can you fire me?”

Anger chuckled. “No. He can’t.”

“You’re right,” I said. “I can’t. But I can take charge. I can give all of you new marching orders. And I don’t care whether you like it or not. I am telling you, this is how it’s going to be going forward. Period. End of story.”

The table fell silent.

“Optimism and Pessimism, I need you two to work together. Balance each other out. Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” Pessimism finally said.

“Looking forward to it.” Optimism said. “I think we’ll make a great team.”

Anger chuckled. “Your picture is in the dictionary next to the definition of ‘obsequious’.”

“And as for you, Anger… tell me, what’s your purpose here?”

He slowly turned towards me. “To kick ass and take names and kick those asses too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Am I not doing that?”

“You certainly are. But do we really need to ‘kick ass’ when it comes to something that happened ten years ago? Is there any point in kicking ass when it comes to trivial matters or something that can’t be helped?”

“Fine.” Anger leaned towards and proceeded to point his finger, barely an inch from my face. “You want the world to walk all over you, be my guest.”

I quickly reached forward, grabbed his finger, and twisted. He grimaced.

“No one is ‘walking all over me’ but you.” I twisted a little harder. “I’m quite tired of your antics. You will stand down until I need you. I will let you know when that day comes.”

I released Anger’s finger. He pulled away.

“Look, guys. All I really need from each of you is to do what you’re supposed to do. That’s all. You all serve a purpose. You’re all needed.” I looked from face-to-face again. “As things stand right now, you’re all being…” I thought for a moment. “Your behavior is counter-productive. Thus, we need to make some changes. Life is a little rough right now and I intend to change that. However, I need all of us to work together in order for that to happen. I need all of you to work with me and not against me. I need you guys to remember why you’re here.”

Anxiety’s eyes widened. He had really mastered that “deer in the headlights” look.

“You’re saying that things are bad?”

I shook my head. “I’m saying that they don’t have to be.” I stood. “So let’s get to work.”

They stood, almost as one, and shuffled out of conference room 2A. I stood as well, but took a moment to glance out the window.

There were dark clouds on the horizon.

A storm was fast approaching.

But I knew we could weather it.

The End